5 posts tagged femininity
As a former packrat, I never thought I would say this, but I have become addicted to cleaning out my closet.
It all started when I began working as a buyer for a women’s resale shop — sort of like a curated, upscale thrift shop or a Plato’s Closet for stylish, modern women. Upon being hired, I quickly learned the ins and outs of buying merchandise into our story — all of which comes from our customers and clients. I learned a lot about brands, current styles, which trends cross over into the resale market, and what styles and brands fit into our store’s demographic.
Aside from being able to style mannequins and our customers — I am so in love with styling, but that’s another post…or several posts…Anyway, what I love about my job is interacting with women who bring in their clothes. Most of these women (and a few husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends here and there) are terrified of parting with their clothing. Which I totally get. I used to be terrified, too. When it came to my closet, I was a total clothes hoarder. Since working at Clothes Mentor and becoming a buyer, I’ve learned that it’s OK to Spring Clean! In fact, I do it all year round!
There’s something very satisfying about “recycling” or “trading in” my clothes. It all feels very sustainable and…well, thrifty…but without the whole bedbugs scare that’s been plaguing the thrift stores that will take anything lately…again, that’s another post.
Like I said, cleaning out my closet has gone from something overwhelming and anxiety-triggering into an act that is empowering and even relaxing! I’ve come to think of it as resale therapy.
My friend Sarah recently commented on the blog saying she too faces the common anxiety of cleaning out your closet. So many of the women I buy from do, too. It (almost) always turns into a stress reliever, though! Simplifying life takes even more weight off your shoulders than you realize (something I’ve learned from fellow blogger Gabrielle).
“I don’t know about you, but I get really sentimentally attached to clothes, and really anything else for that matter,” Sarah said when I posted about Spring cleaning and motivation for organization. “Recently, when I was going through my stuff with the intention of getting rid of a lot, it helped me to have the fiancé nearby to confirm that I was probably only keeping something for sentimental reasons, rather than because it looked good, fit well, etc. I was much more successful when I had him nearby to bounce my decisions off of. My other suggestion is to work when your body is naturally most energetic. If you’re a morning person, start then. If you, like me, work better in the evening, do your organizing then. Also, good music always helps!” Sarah gave some great pointers that I totally agree with. It’s important to take your time when you’re giving your closet a deep cleaning. Another really important piece of advice I’ve taken away from my work in resale is that if you haven’t used something, worn it, or thought about it in a year, then it’s best to get rid of it (unless, of course, it has sentimental value).
This is also a great thing to keep in mind if you are considering making money off of your unused, unwanted apparel, shoes, or accessories! Most resale or consignment shops won’t buy in items that are more than two years old. Did you know a brand changes their label every two years? That’s how resale shops like Clothes Mentor, Once Upon a Child and Plato’s Closet know what’s current and what’s out of date!
I recommend going through your closet on a seasonal basis to ensure you are reselling, trading, consigning or giving away the most current items possible in order to get the most bang for your buck.
Another good point Sarah brought up was moral support! I’ve learned that we are often more sentimental than we realize when it comes to our clothes, shoes and accessories! As you clean out your closet and dresser, it’s important to have a loved one or friend close by to tell you whether or not you actually use that item — they’ll have a better memory about these things than you might expect! That way, it keeps you honest with yourself about whether or not you really need that dress or those shoes.
Keep in mind that lots of resale or consignment shops also take in barely used or new fragrances and lotions — some even take in home goods, art work and candles. These outlets gives you even more of an excuse to break into your closet and treat yourself to some resale therapy. Trust me, the hard work of giving your wardrobe a facelift pays off — sometimes, it even pays off literally!
If you have any other questions or comments about Spring cleaning and my work as a certified buyer, sales associate and stylist, feel free to speak up in the comments section below! More posts about this topic are sure to follow! Keep an eye out for a post on the style makeover I gave my store (and it’s mannequins) coming up very soon!
Who: Carolyn Peterson
What: Human Sexuality Professor
Where: Cincinnati, Ohio
Carolyn Peterson credits her ability to teach human sexuality on a college level to her six-year tenure as a phone sex performer as well as her master’s degree in Women’s, Gender and Sexuality Studies. Before doing graduate work at the University of Cincinnati, Peterson completed her bachelor’s degree in creative writing at Ohio University. According to Peterson, her work in phone sex is the best thing she will ever do with her creative writing degree. After completing her master’s degree and writing a thesis on phone sex work, Peterson took time off to waitress and gain real world experience. She says that her personal experiences with sex, sexuality and sex work prepared her to teach as much as her academic accomplishments. Peterson has been teaching human sexuality for three years. In 2011, she was awarded the McMicken Dean’s Award for Distinguished Adjunct Service. She has since become a fulltime faculty member at the University of Cincinnati.
Q: How did you become a human sexuality professor?
A: The actual job fell in my lap. I didn’t seek it out. I have my master’s degree in Women’s, Gender and Sexuality Studies from the University of Cincinnati — where I teach. I’ve always been interested in sexuality. I’ve always made everything about sex – even when it isn’t. It’s kind of a natural extension.
Also, I was a phone sex performer for six years, so I really think that my experiences with that are equal to my degrees and my graduate work. I learned a lot about sexuality from the phone sex performer job that I never learned in school. It felt like natural, good timing for me to get this job.
Right before they invited me to teach, I kind of had this moment where I kind of told the universe what I wanted – I had been trying to think of what job I would like to do, you know? And I just couldn’t think of a job that I really wanted to do. I kind of have high standards in regard to what I choose to do for work. A couple jobs came my way before this one, and I didn’t really feel passionate about them. And then this just kind of fell in my lap — I didn’t apply for it or anything, but it ended up being want I wanted. It was a huge blessing. It really came as an answer to a question I put out there. I never had even taken a human sexuality class in college – I wasn’t familiar with human sexuality as a class or a big lecture that a lot of students take in undergrad. I wasn’t aware of it. I never would’ve come up with this being what I wanted to do on my own, but when it finally came along, it was definitely the perfect answer. If I won Powerball today, I would still do this job.
Q: How did you become a phone sex performer, and how does that apply your teaching?
A: The short answer of how I started doing phone sex was that I knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody that had started this phone sex company. When I first started, I was graduating with my bachelor’s degree in English and creative writing at the time with a certificate in women’s studies.
At the time, I wasn’t passionate at all about getting a job – the whole process just sounds really boring to me. It was coming time for graduation and I was hanging out with a friend of the woman I was dating at the time, and he was like, “You should do phone sex.” I had always been a flirt – I’m not as much of one as I used to be. The phone sex thing was the best thing I ever did with my creative writing degree, definitely. I was trained by an acting coach, but completely bombed the audition – but my boss saw something in me, I guess, and I got the job. As soon I wasn’t nervous anymore, it was really easy for me to pick it up. Again, it was a really good fit for me. The company was started by a group of radical, Second Wave feminists, so it was just fascinating. I could go on and on and on about the company for forever – I ended up doing my graduate thesis on it. It was really interesting to me because I had identified as a feminist since I was probably like 14.
When you are a sex worker, you run into a lot of really interesting opinions and ideas about sex work. I feel really passionately about sex work, and what was really interesting to me was how much resistance I ran into in the feminist community. I think this is kind of an old idea that doesn’t really apply anymore to feminism at large, but there was this whole kind of Second Wave feminist idea that women who engage in sex work are either exploited and have no choice or they have a kind of false consciousness. That was always really irritating to me, and I always saw feminism and sex work as side by side. It totally made sense to me that feminists would be pro-sex work since it’s all about making your own choices.
In terms of the juxtaposition between the academy and my phone sex experience was like anyone who comes to the academy with experience and sees that experience theorized and oftentimes sees that experience theorized incorrectly by people who are part of the elite and who have never actually experienced it.
I also experienced a lot of support, though, from faculty and from my graduate cohorts. I think that I learned a lot in graduate school about feminist theory and philosophy that I internalized and learned, but doing sex work and doing phone sex has taught me at least as much as my formal education – especially about sexuality.
Phone sex forced me to face a lot of judgments about men – about a lot of things, really…including sex. Doing phone sex is kind of like being a therapist. You can’t be a good therapist if you’re judging your client – even if your client is, like, a rapist. You can’t judge that client and still be helpful to them or be a good counselor. You have to find neutrality and a place of compassion for them where you can connect to them, because if you don’t, you’re just sitting in judgment and can’t help them.
That was really transformative to me – experiencing all of these men and their fantasies, which may be .00001 percent of what I would have “agreed with” as a feminist. All the rest were crazy and would be considered totally unethical and would be at minimum considered exploitative of women or violent towards women. Any fantasy there is – I did it.
I feel like I got to know the depth of these men’s psyches. They would tell me everything – things that they didn’t tell their wives or their therapists or their doctors or priests because they were anonymous. The way I was trained by this company was to have the utmost respect for this client and to give them the best possible experience – not to milk them for money or to try to keep them on the phone longer, you know? None of that capitalist stuff. What ended up happening was that the company was really successful because of that.
I developed a lot of empathy and compassion for people who I would not be able to have empathy or compassion for otherwise. I think in terms of understanding sexuality, there’s nothing like delving into the deep, dark corners of people’s minds, you know? And one of the most interesting things I learned is that you don’t know whom someone is identifying as in a fantasy. You have these weird epiphanies about how complex our psyches are or how completely drenched in judgment and stereotype I am – especially as a feminist.
I think that that job really helped me to teach this class – not only in terms of knowledge of sexuality, but in terms of fantasy and just kind of sexual literacy. And also in terms of coming from a place of compassion – even if they’re into things that society deems to be “problematic.” And you can’t be a good teacher if you’re judging your student, and that has been really helpful because if I had started teaching after coming out of graduate school, then I would have been a very different teacher.
Q: So how is human sexuality class different than a sex ed. class?
A: It’s everything that’s related to sex and sexuality. It’s physical, emotion and psychological. It’s social and sociological. It’s psychology. There’s a sex ed. element to the class because there has to be since students often didn’t get that in high school most likely, so the sex ed. element. Then there are the nuts and bolts like, “Here’s a vagina!” or “Here’s a penis!” It’s the kind of stuff that, in a perfect world, you’d have known since you were five, but in the real world, most people don’t know.
Q: What is the most challenging thing about your job?
A: I would say one is walking the tightrope of recognizing where our culture is in terms of sexuality and including that in my teaching process and figuring out how to figuring out how to teach in a way that resonates with such a diverse group of students who have all experienced sexuality and sex differently by the time they get to the class. I try to see the world through the eyes of so many different people who are on opposing sides of things – that’s really challenging. Being mindful of not judging and coming from a place of compassion can be challenging, too.
I guess I’m pretty much past judgment of people about sexuality – I mean, I still judge my boyfriend, for example. I’m not the Buddha. But I used to get pissed off at people who hold certain ideological positions. I don’t do that anymore. Because I believe that every one’s sexuality is sacred, and it’s easy to see, like, women’s sexuality as sacred, you know what I’m saying? It’s more of a challenge to see, like, a frat guy and know very clearly what he’s interested in and what his perceptions of gender, sexuality and consent are, and still see his sexuality as sacred.
If I’m practicing what I preach, then I see even the frat guy’s sexuality as sacred, in all of its “ugliness,” and that, to me, is what is really beautiful about my job because it gives me endless opportunities to grow as a person and to embrace things that I haven’t always embraced.
I think being able to love all my students is really challenging, too. My perspective is really sex positive and really different than our mainstream structures of paradigms of understanding of bodies and sexualities and things. It’s interesting trying to fit what I believe is true and valuable about these subjects and what I would like to communicate about all these subjects into a format that is understandable for students. But I like the process. I just have to be real.
The topic is so personal and intimate. If I really think about the impact that this kind of impact this kind of class can have on students – not because of me, but because of the subject. A lot of students have experienced a lot of trauma, and subjects in the class will trigger things for them, and then they’ll want to come to me about it. I’m not a trained counselor, but I do my best. A lot of times, this is the only space that they’ve experienced thus far in life where they can talk about the things that have happened to them – it makes me really nervous that I’m going to do something wrong, and that’s the part that I try to really handle with care and compassion and take very seriously.
Students constantly surprise me. It’s a really transformative process for me because they share the amazing parts of who they are – this job changes my life on a regular basis.
Q: What does it mean to be “sex positive?”
A: It’s the belief that sex is fundamentally good and that it’s a force that can be used for good in the world. It doesn’t mean that every sexual experience is good, but that’s not sex’s fault. It’s the idea that sex is inherently good and is sometimes abused. Sex positivity is the belief that sex is positive.
Q: What is the most surprising thing about teaching human sexuality?
A: It’s surprising how easy it is. It’s so enjoyable. Maybe to someone who doesn’t enjoy it naturally, it would be really hard. Mostly, anything that has to with the class, I really enjoy doing.
Also, I didn’t realize how involved in the community I was going to be able to get. I’ve been able to network and create a web of connecting students with people in the community. I guess it’s surprised me how much energy and passion students have. They’re so progressive, even if they’re not like me – they’re so passionate about what they believe in and they’re so insightful. It’s just cool to be around young people who are blooming. It’s really cool to watch and I feel really blessed to be a part of that. It’s not always easy, of course, but I love it.
Q: What’s the most rewarding aspect?
A: Having mutually beneficial relationships with students. Some people, I think, feel like teaching is a top-down thing, but that’s not me. I don’t do the banking system of knowledge. Students have a lot of influence on me – I don’t know if they know that, but they do. Every semester that I teach, something life changing happens to me thanks to the class. I feel like I continually grow and learn through teaching. I hear about so many personal journeys in regard to topics that really personal. I see students come out of the closet in all sorts of ways – like they might be gay or republican or kinky or slutty or a virgin. I see students evolve and have realizations about so many sorts of things.
And it’s not because of me; it’s because of them and what they choose to take away from the class or how they view the information. Being able to witness that is really rewarding and uplifting. It’s really reassuring – it only takes one or two experiences with students to be like, “Oh, things are OK. The world is OK. Everything will work out.”
Q: What has teaching this class on a college level made you think of pre-college sex education for students?
A: There are totally exceptions to this rule, but overwhelmingly, sex education is nonexistent in America. Often, even when it is existent, it is purely negative. Abstinence-only education is not education; it’s a lack of education. It’s all fear-based. I’m sure there are schools out there that are really amazing, but we have such a taboo in our culture about age and sexuality. I’m really in touch with that taboo because I’m really aware of it thanks to all the stuff I talk about. I have these panic moments where I’m like, “Oh, my god. Am I going to jail just for saying this?”
It’s ridiculous how our culture is collectively terrorized by the idea of sexuality and youth being combined, even though young people are the most sexual people and it’s their bodies. I’ve always found it to be offensive that children aren’t educated about their own bodies. It breaks my heart that we have taught our children that the most powerful parts of their bodies aside from their hearts and brains are less than beautiful and amazing. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to figure out how to enjoy that part of their body. I think children should be taught about their bodies immediately – they have knowledge of them anyway, so trying to combat that knowledge with negativity is just absurd.
One of the most rewarding parts of this job is being in a position where I might be the first contact that they having coming right out of that kind of environment and I feel really honored to be in that position. I take it really seriously. I see it almost as a decompression of sorts – I try to be as positive as I possibly can. I try to be as unconditionally loving as possible. I don’t know how to translate that into teaching exactly, but I do my best.
Q: What are some misconceptions you run into?
A: I don’t run into a lot of misconceptions, but probably that I teach just sex ed. where you just learn about STDs and contraception. Maybe another one would be that I’m a therapist or that I can solve their sex problems. Like I’m a medical doctor or something. It doesn’t bother me; it’s just a misconception that they have. I don’t think there are as much misconceptions as there are…well, people just don’t know what it’s about. They just have a lack of conception.
Q: Since you have a Women’s Studies background and teach the class from a feminist perspective, what does feminism mean to you? How do you define it?
A: It’s really changed for me over the years. When I think of feminism now, I think of something that’s radically challenging problematic systems – or subverting cultural norms that are exploitative and hierarchical and messed up. It used to be challenging systems of domination, but now, it’s the challenging of those systems and then the replacing of them with love and joy and freedom. For me, the solution to the problems that feminists battle is love and compassion. It took real world experience for me to be able to define feminism as something that isn’t just about seeing the negative, but about replacing that negativity with positivity. And that’s what I try to do now. Instead of just focusing on the problems, I look to actually focus on what the world wants or needs instead of what they don’t need. Teaching the class is how I move the world more in the positive direction that I envision, and I do that through being compassionate and loving toward my students.
Q: Does teaching the class ever make you uncomfortable?
A: Sometimes. Students very rarely cross my own personal boundaries. Sometimes students will talk about things that I have my own personal hang ups about. It challenges my openness, but I still don’t judge. Someone’s sexual orientation is who a person is and who they’ve always been. I just try to think about all the things that come naturally to me, and how I’d if they were considered illegal or taboo in our society. That’s what I try to do whenever I’m uncomfortable with something. Students are usually good about respecting boundaries, though. I’m very open to changing my perception and evolving.
There’s a constant evolution and I try to stay very neutral. At the same time, I try to be real and relatively transparent. If something takes me aback, it’s usually criticism of me as a teacher or being biased instead of something a student actually does or says. The thing about there teaching so many different types of students with different kinds of intelligence and experiences, you get so many different types of responses and questions. Every perspective and point of view is valid to me. All perspectives are equal to me.
Q: What do you feel are the most important things you can teach your students? What do you hope students take away from the class?
A: A respect for diversity, self love, to honor their own desire and to honor other people’s desires without judgment – even if they don’t understand it or “get it.” I think another big thing is that being selfish – or that fulfilling their own wants or caring about their own wants more than someone else’s – is a good thing. There’s so much self-sacrifice that goes on, especially in sexuality, but I think that if people respect and honor themselves more, they will be more prone to honoring someone else.
Teaching students about consent is another important aspect of the class for me. Students need to understand that all parties need to be enthusiastic about each and every sexual experience for it to be contentious experience. Consent should be “yes means yes” instead of “no means no.” “Yes means yes” is consent where a lack of a “no” is not consent. I want to communicate to students the power to say, “yes” to what their own desires are – no coercion or persuasion.
I just want to help students get over the shame and negativity that comes with sex and sexuality in our culture. I want students to realize that norms don’t really need to be norms – that they can be deconstructed and torn down. I want to promote acceptance and actually respect our differences and varieties. One way to explain the beauty of difference is that we are all parts of an ecosystem and we all serve a function and benefit the whole and form the whole. We are all part of biodiversity and because of that, our differences are beautiful.
Nature doesn’t waste anything and it doesn’t waste differences among people. We all are here for a purpose. If you realize that sex is so much more and so much deeper than what we see in porn. If I can just help anyone be responsible and compassionate and more loving – little things like that are what mean the most to me about this class. If I can communicate any of those things and just promote self-love and love of others, then I am doing my job.This article was originally submitted to The Verge Magazine.
The Question: How do you define “femininity”? What does “feminine” mean to you?
Maybe it’s all the “feministing” I’ve been participating in within the classroom lately as a Women’s, Gender and Sexuality minor and all, but I seem to always have gender, sexes, femininity and masculinity on the brain. Seriously. This is becoming increasingly evident to me as I continue my studies. I’m constantly asking myself, “What does feminine even mean? And why do I enjoy representing my own version of “feminine” on a day-to-day basis.
I know in my heart of hearts that gender is a learned experience; that we all participate in and “do” gender every day, but for me, femininity is always something that’s come as naturally as anything else in my personality. When I was a little girl, I insisted upon wearing dresses – even to soccer practice – while my mom tried and tried to get me into pants and shorts. I even had to have skirted bathing suits. It’s always been that way, for me. I recently read an essay in one of my Feminist Theory books that talked about how nothing about gender is black and white. It’s not something that’s as clearly defined as we often try to make it – even in feminist settings.
With all of this (often subconscious) thought about femininity and my own “gender participation,” I wanted to find out more about other women-identifying females’ experiences in their efforts to “do” feminine. Since gender is such a grey area, I knew there would be a lot of differing opinions, especially among my feminist peers and classmates.
Thus, I took to Facebook and asked my burning question: “How do you define ‘femininity?’ What does ‘feminine’ mean to you?”
Click “Read More” to find out how real women (and men) responded!
My interview with Lauren marks the second of (what I hope to be) many interviews with women from whom I find inspiration — or women I think are just plain badass, admirable, or hilarious. Probably a mixture of all those things combined. These women can be anyone — artists, mothers, professors, bloggers, career women — who is awesome in some way, shape or form. I’ve interviewed a number of women in the name of journalism over the span of my time at UC. Each and every one of those interviews has inspired me and validated my own experiences, choices and passions. I hope to inspire readers in that same way with my series: “Interviews with (Super) Women.”
Who: Lauren Wales
Where: Cincinnati, Ohio
Lauren Wales first began studying to become a doula when she was 16 years old. Since then, birth and birth culture have been a part of her life in numerous ways. She has worked as both a licensed prenatal massage therapist and a childbirth and childcare educator. She is also the mother of a nearly-ten-year-old girl, whom she became pregnant with during her training to become a certified doula. Although Wales chose to become a certified doula in lieu of attending high school, she hopes to become a midwife someday, and is currently studying American birth culture at the University of Cincinnati. Wales identifies as a full spectrum doula, meaning she offers support for women during all stages of their reproductive cycles, with a focus on childbirth, prenatal and postpartum care. This article has been submitted to The Verge Magazine.
Q: Describe your job as a doula to someone who may not even know what it is.
A: So when a woman is pregnant and thinking about how and where she’s going to have her baby, then she may need support for that. She may have questions about places to give birth, about caring for a baby, or about all the possible options she has in regard to birth – options like positions, medications, how she is going to breastfeed her baby, what happens when you go home and have this newborn and you’ve never had one before.
That’s how the role or profession of the doula sprang up, and my job is really to mother the mother because in the US we don’t really have very interconnected extended families, so the kind of support that we might get from our mom or our grandma or sister or aunt, the professional doula provides that kind of support. Really I get to do all the fun stuff that comes with being a birthing coach or a birthing supporter without all the technical piece that the midwife or doctor would do. My role is really comfort measures, support and education, and really helping or coaching the mother through her pregnancy, birth and even postpartum.
Q: What made you decide to become a doula?
A: When I was 16. I met a woman who was going to school to become a nurse midwife. She lent me a book called “Spiritual Midwifery,” which is this really interesting 1970s hippie-style manifesto about giving birth. It got me really excited about this idea that women can empower one another in their birth experiences, so I thought, ‘Well, that’s what I’m going to do with my life.’ So because I was 16 and didn’t have any kids, I was like, ‘Well, how can I get involved?’ One of the suggestions was to become a doula and learn how to support women like that before you went through all the technical process.
Q: What kind of training did that entail?
A: So this was like 11 or so years ago that I did my training. I was like 20. At that time, there were quite a few certifying organizations. Since then, that’s changed a little bit, but is still pretty much true. So what you would do was go to usually a weekend workshop – two to three days or so with a certain number of contact or fieldwork hours – and then you’d read a bunch of books, then you’d go to a bunch of books as a ‘doula-trainee’ of sorts. Back when I was becoming a doula, there weren’t a lot of doulas, so usually you’d go on your own to these births. Thank goodness, now there are a lot more experienced doulas out there so you can shadow someone, like an apprenticeship. But back then, I didn’t have that, so I’d go on my own even before I got certified. I just started going.
I would contact people, who were teaching childbirth classes, and my mom does lactation support, so she knew a lot of people – I would just explain that this is what I want to do, and ask if they had anybody who would want me to come to their birth for free or for gas money. I worked for a while for Planned Parenthood in Hamilton because my midwife friend was there. And that was really amazing because I got to deal with a population of women who wouldn’t otherwise be able to hire a doula.
Q: How did your client base grown since you first became a doula? How has it continued to grow?
A: It’s been really cyclical for me – because I’ve always also been running this track to become a midwife. The doula work has been there kind of on a case-by-case basis. There are times when it’s really active in my life, and time when it kind of is on the backburner a bit. I did a lot of doula from when I was in my early twenties, but I got pregnant when I was 21.
All this doula work was so inspiring, and I was engaged, and I was like, ‘Let’s have a baby!’ So that didn’t take a lot of work and we did. And then I took a break for a couple of years and went to school to become a massage therapist, then at the end of that, I started going to births again.
It depends on the doula, though. Often times, we do have kids, and it’s a career people choose after they have children, and they’re usually fitting it around the rest of their life. Or maybe it’s the other way around – you know, life fits in around their doula work. For me, it kind of came organically. The more people I knew, and as the idea of doulas got to be something that more people knew about within mainstream culture, the number of births I attended grew.
Also, through my massage therapy work, people would come to me for prenatal massage, who will then ask me to come to their births and be their doula. The idea of having someone there who knows what they’re doing and how to support then is appealing to them. So as I’ve made more choices and grown myself as a person over the years, the more births I’ve attended.
Q: So your main goal is to become a midwife?
A: Yes. So I guess I’m kind of a blend of analytical and interpersonal. I love the problem solving and kind of healthcare aspects of being a midwife, but I’m glad I’ve had all this work as a doula because what it does is give you a lot more time to develop intimacy with women and really understand what’s important about the birthing process with each individual woman. So much of what happens in birth is not about the physical. It’s about the emotional and relational, so if those things are in a good place, then the woman can be undefended and can be present and can rock out in her birth.
If those things aren’t in place in a very good way – either because she’s got a something very psychological or relational going on in her life that she needs to let go of or work through, then that’s going to impact her physical birth experience as well. So I’m glad that I am able to learn about all aspects of birth – being a doula as I become a midwife has allowed me to do all those things.
As I learn to become a midwife here in a university setting, still practicing as a doula keeps me in touch with why I wanted to become involved in births in the first place.
Q: If you could think back, what was your first experience as a doula like, how have your methods changed, and how have you grown as a doula?
A: I was so young and so enthusiastic. I don’t think I can give you one first experience because what ended up happening was that I ended up doing a lot more childbirth and prenatal education classes in the very beginning rather than attending a lot of births. And that was really amazing because it confirmed my feeling that this was definitely what I wanted to be doing and the career path that I wanted to go down in terms of working with women and having deep connections with them and helping them to feel empowered in what their choices were.
So I was working with Planned Parenthood and I was also working with a childbirth education friend of mine at a pregnancy care center here in Cincinnati. So those are these diametric philosophies, but it was all about people having babies.
The first birth that I was at was a young woman’s through the pregnancy care center and she was actually married, which was kind of unusual. She wasn’t a teen mom. She was actually 21 or 22. She and her husband lived with her family. They were very supportive of her and she wanted a natural birth. She had been to childbirth classes and she was very awesome.
She did great, and she did have a natural birth in the hospital, but she was on Medicaid and she gave birth at University Hospital. I remember how great she did when it was her husband and I in the room, and how disempowering it was when she had medical students – the two medical students did her birth, actually – and their attitude toward her was just so demeaning and awful.
She knew exactly what she wanted and could feel everything, but they treated her as if she had no idea what was going on and like she just needed to lay back and let them do whatever they wanted.
So it was glorious in the fact that I actually got to see this baby being born and this woman that was completely in her power, but at the same time there were active efforts to take that power away from her. After the birth, they took the baby to the warmer right away, which she didn’t want, and she had torn a little because they had forced her to push before she was ready.
The next birth I attended was that of a 15-year-old girl. Her story was both beautiful and sad at the same time. She got pregnant through a date rape when she was 15, didn’t tell her family, and eventually, they realized she was pregnant. Well, her mom happened to be pregnant at the same time, and they gave birth about a week apart. They were both using the Planned Parenthood clinic because they were undocumented, and she came from a culture in Mexico where her mom had her siblings and her at home with a midwife in the mountains.
So when they moved here, she had all this personal family support to have a natural birth and to breastfeed her baby. She was completely ready for this, and because I was younger, there was this connection between us where she was more comfortable with me, and I was with her through her whole labor, which was a long time, and it was really cool, but I also had another job at the time, and couldn’t get anybody to take my shift, so I had to leave her.
When I left her, she was still in early labor, but after I left, the doctor came in, did a vaginal exam on her, and she freaked out because she had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the rape. When she became upset, the doctor said, ‘That’ll teach you never to get pregnant again.”
She asked for an epidural at that point, which was probably the best thing given the circumstances since she was so upset and her mother didn’t speak any English, plus they didn’t have any interpreters in the hospital.
She ended up having the epidural, and things went really fast. By the time I got back there that night, she had had the baby, but it was just not the kind of birth that she knew she could have, but she also felt powerless to change it. She didn’t want to file any complaints against her doctor because she was undocumented.
All of those experiences together helped me realize how important this work was, how difficult it was, how much your position in life and your support system impacts your ability to have a great birth – and that’s how it all started for me.
Q: How have birthing laws affected your ability to practice as a doula?
A: There were a few instances where I nearly got into trouble since Ohio laws are so strict and anti-natural or home births, so for a while I made a decision to step back from attending births and focus on massage therapy and raising my daughter. It’s only been recently that I have felt comfortable enough to start going to births again. However, those instances taught me what I can do and not do legally in Ohio and how to protect myself while still enriching the birth experiences of other women and supporting them.
For instance, I love going to home births and am friends with a lot of homebirth midwives and know them pretty well, but if I’m at a birth, I’ll only go as a doula since I am not a licensed midwife right now. And I’ll only go with the agreement that I am not doing anything there that could possibly be perceived by anyone as clinical. Even though I know all the stuff, I won’t and can’t without putting myself in danger legally. That’s how strict the laws have become.
I experienced a situation recently with a midwife who is a massage therapist and is my age and everything, and she was like, ‘So, we’re going to leave, do you mind doing this and that while I’m gone – I think it was like listening to the heart tones or something like that – and I had to say no. I could do that very easily, but I can’t and I won’t.
Q: How do you describe your job to your clients when they first approach you?
A: Well, a lot of people who are pregnant know what a doula is already, so it’s not as big of a question as it used to be. Where it comes up the most would be from someone who knows me in another capacity other than from my work as a doula. So then we talk a lot about comfort measures. The way I like to approach it is by saying, ‘It’s not my birth, it’s your birth, and so what’s important to me about birth culture might not be important to you.’
I like to hear about someone’s vision and what kinds of qualities or experiences are important to someone, because no two births or birthing experiences are the same. It’s a lot about the qualitative for me. That’s kind of how I explain it to people. It’s about what they’ like their birth to look like, what they’d like for it to feel like, or where they would like to be.
Q: What are some misconceptions about your job?
A: OK this is a huge one: that I do something clinical, like a midwife or a doctor or a nurse, and somehow can do things for you and your labor to actually facilitate the birth. The other major one is that I’m an advocate in that I can speak for you, and that’s absolutely not true. That’s a really good thing to educate people about. Doulas are an amazing support, but at no point can your doula be a cheerleader in the sense that they are going to speak up for you against your care provider.
It’s important for me to let a woman know what is going on throughout her birth, however, I can’t physically tell a physician what to do or karate chop a scalpel out of his hand. I can’t say to the doctor, ‘She does not consent.’ All I can do is process the birth afterward with the client to see how she’s feeling about it. There’s a lot of supporting and acknowledging what’s not OK within the system, but at the same time you recognize that you directly cannot change the system and aren’t responsible for changing it – women are.
That’s why it’s so important to empower women maybe before they even get pregnant – maybe we need preconception doulas; I think we do. There’s a movement going on right now that’s going toward something like that. It’s happening sort of jointly between the feminist community and the birth community. It’s this idea of a full-spectrum doula, which are doulas that support a woman through any reproductive choice that she makes, whether her choice is to terminate a pregnancy or to use artificial insemination to conceive, or whether or choice is to carry a pregnancy to term and make her own birth choices.
I’ve even done a bit of work with women who are planning on having hysterectomies or who are going through menopause. It’s the movement to support a women’s whole reproductive cycle throughout her lifespan and all the choices that involves. It’s all about empowerment and putting the power back into the hands of women.
Q: What do you personally take away from your work as a doula?
A: There’s this sense of wonderment and joy about being alive that comes from my work. There are very few jobs where you know that this is a pivotal moment in life. I think that there are three really pivotal moments in life that are quintessentially human and transcendent at the same time I would say the first one of those is being born, the second is like sexual experience or intimacy, and then the last one of those would be death. Those three things, throughout human experience everywhere in the world and throughout time, have been vital to who we are as beings but also have been this experience of something more than just daily like – they’re like out of time and space experiences.
So I get to be in the room with someone who is giving birth, who is fully standing in her power and harnessing every little tiny bit of herself to focus in on this experience, and knowing at the same time that there is a human being coming in to the world that’s also actively choosing to be here in this moment, at this time, in this way, and who is working in this beautiful dance with their mother to come here.
And I watch this happen and I see two people fall in love in this way that will last their entire lifetimes. It’s not one of those things where it’s like, ‘You’re my boyfriend today, and then I don’t love you tomorrow.’ It’s like a mother and her child and a father and his child have this bond that will never end. So to be present for an experience like that – it’s like, how could you ever not want that to be part of your life, and how could you not be grateful to have that.
I think that’s what it is – it’s that opportunity to be part of something that is, as a midwife that I used to work with says, ‘ It’s an experience that allows you to tremble at the foot of God.’ I’m not a Christian, but this idea of being present of being present for the sacred and special and divine of life…that’s what being a doula is about for me.
So how about you? If you are a mother, what was your birth experience like? If not, would you ever consider a natural childbirth? Why or why not? How does birth and birth choice relate to feminism? Would you ever use a doula if you were to give birth? How does birth choice relate to femininity? Share your thoughts in the comment section below!
How do you define "femininity"? What does "feminine" mean to you?